Homework?

"The cross is God's way of saying 'I know what it's like'." ... Jesus' sheer, unadulterated, complete love by hanging on a cross bleeding, naked and vulnerable asking 'what will you do with me?'. Rob Bell - Sex God

I spent a lot of time avoiding homework last semester, and part of that time I spent not just reading, but indulging in this book - "Sex God". This particular part took me off guard as I read with a striking vision in front of me, a vision of Jesus being more vulnerable than I have ever been willing to be, more embarressed than I have pridefully ever admitted to being, in more pain than I will ever experience in my life, standing in the guilt of all my selfishness while he is asking me 'what will you do with me?'

I feel like that answer changes frequently from "conquer the world" to "I don't know" to not wanting to answer at all.
Right now, I think I would just break down in tears without an answer.

The God who has taken some pretty demented moments of my life and given them purpose,

taken my scars to be his own,

given opportunities I'm incredibly thankful for that are founded upon times of darkness and hopelessness in my life, stands before me giving me the privlage of a choice - 'what will I do with Him?' and I cannot speak. Me - the one who always has something smart (mouthed) to say. What does it mean to be grateful and express that to such a mercy giver? 'thank you?' that just doesn't sound like enough ...


But, I am grateful, I am grateful that I am me, and that I still have so much to learn, that I have experienced everything that I have in my life. That all the darker parts of my life have given me eyes to look at things in the different and sometimes strange way that I do look at things.
Darkness is beautiful to me in its own unique way that it shines, sadness is inspirational, Pain is something to ponder, and embrace - and to me all these things embody the cross, the sacrafice, Jesus...asking 'what will you do with me?' What do we do with pain? Darkness? Sadness?

Hide it?

I kinda appreciate it. Jesus' pain was later glorified, so can ours be, and that is beautiful.

and I may or may not have completely failed my final after writing this instead of studying.