"The cross is God's way of saying 'I know what it's like'." ... Jesus' sheer, unadulterated, complete love by hanging on a cross bleeding, naked and vulnerable asking 'what will you do with me?'. Rob Bell - Sex God
I spent a lot of time avoiding homework last semester, and part of that time I spent not just reading, but indulging in this book - "Sex God". This particular part took me off guard as I read with a striking vision in front of me, a vision of Jesus being more vulnerable than I have ever been willing to be, more embarressed than I have pridefully ever admitted to being, in more pain than I will ever experience in my life, standing in the guilt of all my selfishness while he is asking me 'what will you do with me?'
I feel like that answer changes frequently from "conquer the world" to "I don't know" to not wanting to answer at all.
Right now, I think I would just break down in tears without an answer.
The God who has taken some pretty demented moments of my life and given them purpose,
taken my scars to be his own,
given opportunities I'm incredibly thankful for that are founded upon times of darkness and hopelessness in my life, stands before me giving me the privlage of a choice - 'what will I do with Him?' and I cannot speak. Me - the one who always has something smart (mouthed) to say. What does it mean to be grateful and express that to such a mercy giver? 'thank you?' that just doesn't sound like enough ...
But, I am grateful, I am grateful that I am me, and that I still have so much to learn, that I have experienced everything that I have in my life. That all the darker parts of my life have given me eyes to look at things in the different and sometimes strange way that I do look at things.
Darkness is beautiful to me in its own unique way that it shines, sadness is inspirational, Pain is something to ponder, and embrace - and to me all these things embody the cross, the sacrafice, Jesus...asking 'what will you do with me?' What do we do with pain? Darkness? Sadness?
Hide it?
I kinda appreciate it. Jesus' pain was later glorified, so can ours be, and that is beautiful.
and I may or may not have completely failed my final after writing this instead of studying.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Testimony
Have you ever listened to a song, or a poem, or a story, or an opinion...anything... and felt like the writer/speaker/song writer was speaking directly to your soul? Like they'd taken the words right out of your mouth and expressed them in ways you never thought of? This is Lacy Mosley's testimony to me in many ways.
Number one: I am in awe of God's timing. Everything in my life has always happened in nothing less than perfect timing. Every place God has put me in, every sittuation, every job, every trial, has been conducted at the right moment, and people have come into my life right when they were suppose to, and I can only see that now by looking back over my past and realizing NOW..not then...but now what a magnificent creator I have.
Number two: "The sweetness of comfort". Lacy talks about how she doesn't regret a single thing she'd been through, she has this full, amazing knowledge of how God uses our pain, our loss, our grief, to further His kingdom on this earth. She speaks almost proudly of her past, of her horrible experiences, all because they have brought her to where she is today. How she wouldn't have been able to help others now in her prior sittuations, wouldn't be able to write her songs, or know the "sweetness of comfort" without the pain of her past. THIS is what it is all about to me. I get it. It is beautiful to me to hear someone rejoice for their past, knowing Jesus is using, and going to keep using, it for their benefit, for His glory, and for the lives of not only those around us, but specifically people He will bring into our lives to minister to. How amazingly beautiful is that!!??
Mistakes are beautiful begginings, and so are trials, and I will look with hope for the glory God will bring about from it when trouble arises. Lacy is proof to me that our past is something we should be proud to show off when Jesus has intervened in it.
I love stories, and I love that in everyone's life, whether we pay attention to it or not, God writes the most amazing one's. No wonder the epic novels, and award winning movies are based 90% on the normal, everyday persons life.
Friday, September 26, 2008
MIssio Dei Drama Team
And here we are today, it started with the Everything skit, and thanks to a team of wonderful students who fell in love with the idea of speaking the gospel through dance and interpretive skits - we now have a full blown drama team that is now in the process of a third skit!
My pride and joy....
My pride and joy....
Thursday, March 20, 2008
The moment
I went back to Forest Homes camp with my high school youth group kids a while back. Once again having a wonderful experience (kudos to forest home).
I always go to camps a little sceptical and hesitant... uhg camping... and I deffinitly went this particular time with some struggles weighing on my shoulders.
"I am momentarily incapable of being a sufficient leader" is maybe the best way to describe my attitude at the time.
Of course never give God a challenge and excpect Him not to take it right?
Standing up front of the stage during our worship time I was just contemplating these things, how weak I am, how incapable I am, "God why can't I just be strong, don't let things come into my life if I can't resist them! I'm so weak and it frustrates me!" Were just some thoughts running through my mind... when at that very moment and thought I looked up to the projector where a verse was suddenly displayed [literally] right in front of my face.... "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardship, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
Well, there ya go,
right there, a moment of the most audible answer from God I could possibly get.
But wait a minute - we're supposed to gladly boast about our weaknesses? What's this all about?
Needless to say our girls group walked back to our cabin in silence and then my mind unleashed ...
Why does our culture have such a scued vision of who Jesus is?
because we think we have to give up all our fun to be Christians, like Jesus is like the mobster and you're the guy who owes him money and he won't take it in small payments - he wants it all now and he's gonna beat you ten ways to tuesday until to cough it all up.
No.
I have weaknesses, weakenesses that I think are tools that Christ has not only worked with me on...
but used ...
used them in beautiful ways to create the person I am today
To relate to people on beautiful levels
I think my weaknesses are beautiful and I think Jesus does too.
Like I told my girls; why do we get so afraid to come to Christ and be fully His? He's not the image church and school and everyone else has given you!
He wants you - broken
As you are
Weaknesses, mess ups and all
It's ok.
He created us who we are and definitly prone to be drawn to certain things due to the type of person HE made us to be. All of us our so wonderfully diverse for reasons - we're not all supposed to be the same, act the same, follow the same rules.
How do we figure out each of our individual roles?
Realize, embrace and be honest about our whole, screwed up, broken self.
Even love it.
Jesus does..
and he's going to do beautiful and amazing things with it. He's gonna work on it WITH you, not against you.
He's not there to be a fun-sucker and take all our fun away from us. But give us better than we are capable of believing we deserve.
I always go to camps a little sceptical and hesitant... uhg camping... and I deffinitly went this particular time with some struggles weighing on my shoulders.
"I am momentarily incapable of being a sufficient leader" is maybe the best way to describe my attitude at the time.
Of course never give God a challenge and excpect Him not to take it right?
Standing up front of the stage during our worship time I was just contemplating these things, how weak I am, how incapable I am, "God why can't I just be strong, don't let things come into my life if I can't resist them! I'm so weak and it frustrates me!" Were just some thoughts running through my mind... when at that very moment and thought I looked up to the projector where a verse was suddenly displayed [literally] right in front of my face.... "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardship, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
Well, there ya go,
right there, a moment of the most audible answer from God I could possibly get.
But wait a minute - we're supposed to gladly boast about our weaknesses? What's this all about?
Needless to say our girls group walked back to our cabin in silence and then my mind unleashed ...
Why does our culture have such a scued vision of who Jesus is?
because we think we have to give up all our fun to be Christians, like Jesus is like the mobster and you're the guy who owes him money and he won't take it in small payments - he wants it all now and he's gonna beat you ten ways to tuesday until to cough it all up.
No.
I have weaknesses, weakenesses that I think are tools that Christ has not only worked with me on...
but used ...
used them in beautiful ways to create the person I am today
To relate to people on beautiful levels
I think my weaknesses are beautiful and I think Jesus does too.
Like I told my girls; why do we get so afraid to come to Christ and be fully His? He's not the image church and school and everyone else has given you!
He wants you - broken
As you are
Weaknesses, mess ups and all
It's ok.
He created us who we are and definitly prone to be drawn to certain things due to the type of person HE made us to be. All of us our so wonderfully diverse for reasons - we're not all supposed to be the same, act the same, follow the same rules.
How do we figure out each of our individual roles?
Realize, embrace and be honest about our whole, screwed up, broken self.
Even love it.
Jesus does..
and he's going to do beautiful and amazing things with it. He's gonna work on it WITH you, not against you.
He's not there to be a fun-sucker and take all our fun away from us. But give us better than we are capable of believing we deserve.
Change
I'm not one to be sentimental or think much of changes and recently I feel like my world is taking a full 180. In a good way too believe it or not! I'm actually not complaining about something or someone. lol.
Anyways, back on a serious note.
The biggest change right now (and probably most exciting)I am now leaving my job at Islands where I have been for over the past two years. Maybe it's just starting to hit me, but after two years of grumbling, complaining, hating, being frustrated, depressed, angry and wanting to set that place on fire - I find myself crying over my last day. It's true what they say; you only truly learn to appreciate something/someone when you don't have them anymore.
It's been two long years, and I've made friends I would never trade for the world - because they've made that world, I've had good times and made memories with people I will never forget. So, maybe despite all the bad times, stupid customers and annoying shifts - it was all worth it in the end. I'll forget the frustrating moments, but never the people I've worked with.
Sometimes God is so confusing to me. Or maybe I'm the confusing one. You give me something I initially ask for(a job): I hate it, I pray for you to get it out of my life, you give me something better: I cry.
I'm beggining to be more and more greatful that I am not the one who control's my life and the universe for that matter, but it is safely in the hands of the Lord.
God has been making such changes in my life and in my heart for that matter. I feel like I've grown so much in spiritual maturity, learned more than I thought I could, and developed a deeper understanding of having a relationship with this Jesus guy. And to say the least; with all that came so many outward changes in my life. I have a job now which is more than I could have asked for, I have yet another youth group to work with (yay more little sisters to play with!), I have again - a deeper relationship with my girls, I've learned to appreciate people for who they are and not for how much we see eye to eye or our alike religious views. I feel happier with who I AM, I feel comfortable, I feel content and yet I feel so much passion stirred within me.
What is all this? and what are you doing?
Where will I go next? I don't know, but I can only anticipate it....
Anyways, back on a serious note.
The biggest change right now (and probably most exciting)I am now leaving my job at Islands where I have been for over the past two years. Maybe it's just starting to hit me, but after two years of grumbling, complaining, hating, being frustrated, depressed, angry and wanting to set that place on fire - I find myself crying over my last day. It's true what they say; you only truly learn to appreciate something/someone when you don't have them anymore.
It's been two long years, and I've made friends I would never trade for the world - because they've made that world, I've had good times and made memories with people I will never forget. So, maybe despite all the bad times, stupid customers and annoying shifts - it was all worth it in the end. I'll forget the frustrating moments, but never the people I've worked with.
Sometimes God is so confusing to me. Or maybe I'm the confusing one. You give me something I initially ask for(a job): I hate it, I pray for you to get it out of my life, you give me something better: I cry.
I'm beggining to be more and more greatful that I am not the one who control's my life and the universe for that matter, but it is safely in the hands of the Lord.
God has been making such changes in my life and in my heart for that matter. I feel like I've grown so much in spiritual maturity, learned more than I thought I could, and developed a deeper understanding of having a relationship with this Jesus guy. And to say the least; with all that came so many outward changes in my life. I have a job now which is more than I could have asked for, I have yet another youth group to work with (yay more little sisters to play with!), I have again - a deeper relationship with my girls, I've learned to appreciate people for who they are and not for how much we see eye to eye or our alike religious views. I feel happier with who I AM, I feel comfortable, I feel content and yet I feel so much passion stirred within me.
What is all this? and what are you doing?
Where will I go next? I don't know, but I can only anticipate it....
Friday, March 14, 2008
The Journey
My story begins like this...
Sunday morning and I'm in no mood to be talked to at 8am. Those who work with me are well aware.
I had previously blogged on a certain skit based upon Lifehouse's Everything song. A skit which deeply touched me due to the fact of it being a frightening replicate of my life.
This Sunday I was speaking to the youth group and so I shared this skit, which brought forth a lot of beautiful discussion. To my junior high kids it particularly sparked an interest to rehearse and perform the skit ourselves for our main church service. "Great! exactly my idea too!" I thought. So, of course I took the idea, decided to direct it along side one other specific junior higher who had been deeply touched by it, and off we set to start rehearsal's.
Little to my knowledge this process would become a great journey of spiritual strength and faith.
Shortly after we began rehearsal's some of my main leaders in this skit and I decided there is something so much deeper to explore in the theology of this skit. The rehearsal's slowly began to turn into a bible study preceeding rehearsal. A study of the nature of each character portraid, a study of what this means in our life, a study of our own lives and how Christ is apart of it. A study that dug deep and affective to this group of of us kids (and myself) who [dared] explore it.
To say the least, I don't think Satan wanted the power of the meaning of this skit to be released and explored among us and it has shown in the battles that have arose in this process. There seems to have been this darkness that now hovers above our little group now and is slowly trying to tear down and destroy our spirits. Ironically to the depictions of the skit, it's been a bloody fight and a powerful journey. I'm amazed at the things the Lord is doing and am now very curious and a little scared to see where this is taking us if satan is so determined to stop it.
There is an undeniable realm; a heavenly one and a dark one and both I feel have declared war right above my head.
If ever you feel the need, prayer is greatly appreciated.
Sunday morning and I'm in no mood to be talked to at 8am. Those who work with me are well aware.
I had previously blogged on a certain skit based upon Lifehouse's Everything song. A skit which deeply touched me due to the fact of it being a frightening replicate of my life.
This Sunday I was speaking to the youth group and so I shared this skit, which brought forth a lot of beautiful discussion. To my junior high kids it particularly sparked an interest to rehearse and perform the skit ourselves for our main church service. "Great! exactly my idea too!" I thought. So, of course I took the idea, decided to direct it along side one other specific junior higher who had been deeply touched by it, and off we set to start rehearsal's.
Little to my knowledge this process would become a great journey of spiritual strength and faith.
Shortly after we began rehearsal's some of my main leaders in this skit and I decided there is something so much deeper to explore in the theology of this skit. The rehearsal's slowly began to turn into a bible study preceeding rehearsal. A study of the nature of each character portraid, a study of what this means in our life, a study of our own lives and how Christ is apart of it. A study that dug deep and affective to this group of of us kids (and myself) who [dared] explore it.
To say the least, I don't think Satan wanted the power of the meaning of this skit to be released and explored among us and it has shown in the battles that have arose in this process. There seems to have been this darkness that now hovers above our little group now and is slowly trying to tear down and destroy our spirits. Ironically to the depictions of the skit, it's been a bloody fight and a powerful journey. I'm amazed at the things the Lord is doing and am now very curious and a little scared to see where this is taking us if satan is so determined to stop it.
There is an undeniable realm; a heavenly one and a dark one and both I feel have declared war right above my head.
If ever you feel the need, prayer is greatly appreciated.
Monday, February 11, 2008
My new obsession
My sister introduced me to this band Tegan and Sara, in which I quickly became addicted to. They seem to me to embody the perfect amount of everything from rage and intensity to a poetic calm. Or maybe just a mass amount of confusion that can only make some strange sense to a girl.
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